Tag Archives: conflict

What If?

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We seem to be at a crossroads in education.  If we go one direction, we will continue to judge schools and their success by a single test without giving consideration to the growth that has occurred. Teachers will feel it necessary to resort to test preparation as that is how they are judged. Our best teachers will avoid the demanding classrooms so as not to put themselves at risk of judgment, mandates, and additional paperwork. Students will be limited in what they learn because what is assessed on a test is only a fraction of what they need to know to be successful in life. Parents will become disillusioned with the progress and those with means will move them to other options. District will put pressure on school leaders and will, in turn, pass this on to teachers with more paperwork and documentation. In the meantime, our society becomes more and more segregated. The ones left behind become angry and the ones who left become fearful of them because they can no longer relate to each other. What if this approach results in more violence in the future than what we see even today?

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But what if we choose a different future?

What if federal and state governments quit trying to define student success with a test? What if they quit trying to quantify complex human development by a test score?  What if they encouraged schools to use these assessments to improve their instruction and meet needs of students, but left the true definitions of school success to the communities where those schools reside? What if special interest groups took “special interest” in our schools and pledged support rather than trying to find out ways to take the public funds that they haven’t yet been able to touch?

What if communities stand behind their schools?  What if when they feel the school is struggling, they step up to help, provide support for students, staff, and families? What if those with criticisms couldn’t sling mud at public education without having direct
knowledge of the situations with which they are passing judgment?  What if wanted to speak about a school and it’s performance, you must first spend time there with the people volunteering?  What if you couldn’t lump schools all together but had to speak specifically about situations in which you had personal experience? What if our media spent as much time talking about all the accomplishments of public schools and didn’t just highlight the isolated negative examples?

What if schools don’t have to worry about spending funds to survive, but can use money in practices that promote “thrive”?
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What if school administrators don’t have to worry about spending funds to survive, but can use dollars in practices that promote thriving such as professional learning for teachers?  What if they felt free to restructure schedules to provide teachers with ongoing collaboration and professional learning so that they could be sure that teachers were always at the forefront of their profession, masters of the learning standards and best practice in instructional techniques? What if when they saw a teacher in need, they could provide that teacher with the support they needed to grow and improve rather than feeling pressure to get them out?

What if because schools feel supported, teachers feel less stressed and feel they have the time to stop and build strong relationships with students and their families? What if teachers feel they can develop innovative, meaningful lessons that actually apply to the future that our what-if-4-300x175students will live in because they aren’t scared about test outcomes? What if they could collaborate and share without the pressure to hold back so that they could ensure they weren’t the bottom performer?  What if we valued teachers as the creators of all other professions and compensated them as such?

What if parents didn’t abandon schools for homeschooling, private and charter schools in an effort to isolate their children from those with experiences that may be very different from their own?  What if they were adamant to model that when something isn’t what we want it to be, they stick with it and become a part of the solution?

What if we had children from all different backgrounds that learned to value each other and learned to live together without fear and without anger? What if these students were able to learn the skills needed in reading, writing, math along with skills like collaboration, grit, growth mindset, technology, and problem-solving?

What if?

I can say I am fortunate to be a part of a district where our school board fights for local control.  I work in a district where our district leaders don’t point fingers, but rather ask “what can we do to support you?” and give campuses the freedom to do what they need to let-be-what-ifdo to make a difference with their students.  I have parents walking my halls taking care of all students, willing to take part in conversations when they have concerns, rather than resorting to silence and abandonment.  I have teachers that are the epitome of lifelong
learners. They have become masters of state standards and design meaningful learning that is resulting in stronger students with each passing year.  I have students that are learning the value of diversity.  They are learning to work things out together and hold themselves accountable for high levels of learning and growth. My campus has gone from plummeting scores and declining enrollment to scores and enrollment on the rise.  I am one of the fortunate principals who has had the freedom not to be defined by a test and the feel the support of my district and community.

What if all schools had this?

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The Sound of Silence

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While sometimes silence of welcomed, I have to say that in a learning organization, silence can be deadly. Silence in a learning organization means a lack of feedback. It means that people are likely too content, apathetic, scared or angry to communicate with specific feedback, and this is dangerous. It reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkel song:

Sound of silence

In a learning organization, feedback is critical to growth. Sometimes this feedback is positive: “You’re on the right track.” “The effort is paying off.” “The strategy you are using is getting results.” Sometimes feedback offers a correction: “Instead of this, I need you to…” “It might work better if…” “Next time I’d rather you …” Other times feedback sounds like this: “I hate it when you…” “You messed up.” “There’s going to be consequences.” However, even when feedback is negative, it gives the one receiving the feedback a chance to learn and grow if they choose.

When there is no feedback, growth halts.
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People can only guess if their actions are working and more time and energy is spent trying to decipher the silence than working on creating results. “Is what I’m going working?” “Is what I’m doing wrong?” “Why won’t he/she speak to me?” It’s a guess and check method spent mostly on guessing.

Several years ago I worked in an organization where all feedback stopped. The “boss” literally quit speaking to me. In public, I was invisible. Even in a bathroom where there were only two of us, I did not exist. Awkward! I guess I eventually figured out the message. I was not needed, and it was better to go elsewhere. The crazy thing is, if the “boss” had just given me specific feedback, we both probably would have gotten what we wanted much more quickly without a lot of hassle.

It is imperative supervisors give feedback. Too often I see leaders who are afraid to have difficult conversations. They suffer in silence until their aggravation results in an attitude of “done”. At that point, growth and recovery are no longer an option. What if the leader would have just said what needed to be said in a professional way? What if the leader coached their employee? What potential greatness was lost because the leader remained silent? What relationship was lost because things were allowed to become contentious?

Don’t get me wrong. The responsibility of feedback does not lie solely on the shoulders of feedbackleaders. All members of an organization have a responsibility of providing feedback. I tell my staff all the time that I don’t want them just to say yes and agree to everything I say. I need their thoughts, their consideration of unintended consequences and problem-solving, their ability to piggyback and make the idea even better. I need to know if something I have done has made their job harder. Their feedback cannot always result in “their way” because as a leader I always have to consider the big picture for the organization. However, without their feedback, how do I grow? How do I become better for them?

With all of this said, the most growth is going to occur when feedback is professional. While angry feedback is still probably better than silence, it is still destructive. It takes a great deal of energy for those involved in angry feedback to get beyond the emotion and focus on growth again. It is possible, but again, often angry feedback is just the explosion that occurs after a prolonged silence where the feedback was bottled up too long.

If you are a part of a learning organization, here are some tips to defeat the deadly sound of silence:

  • Give feedback, in good times and bad. People you work with need to know. It’s way more efficient than guessing. Each individual’s background experiences may muddy the water of interpreting “silence”
  • Feedback should be a two-way street. Both the leader and members of the organization should give feedback so that everyone has a chance to grow.
  • While feedback is better than silence, sometimes you may need a moment to compose yourself. Don’t give feedback in the heat of the moment, but don’t wait too long either. Feedback should be timely and professional.feedback matters
  • Be specific. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The more specific you are with your feedback, the more likely you are to get what you need.
  • Don’t ever allow yourself to become so comfortable that feedback stops. At that point, so does growth. Today’s good is tomorrow’s mediocre.
  • If you are the leader, create venues for your organization to provide you with feedback. Surveys, exit tickets after professional learning or staff meetings, and Google docs are all great ways to collect feedback. While I’m not a huge fan of anonymous feedback (it can be as bad as silence in the fact it doesn’t provide an avenue for clarification), I recognize that sometimes you have to start their of those you lead don’t feel safe giving feedback. It is a starting place, but the leader should work diligently to build relationships and get people comfortable with feedback that is specific and individualized.
It takes the grit to put others’ need to grow before one’s personal comfort of staying silent.
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Yes, sometimes it is easier to be silent. Silence can punish those with whom we are upset. It can send the message “I don’t even care enough about you to acknowledge your existence”. However, it rarely results in growth for anyone. Feedback with a growth the-sound-of-silence-simon-garfunkel-8-638mindset takes both grit and grace. It takes the grit to put others’ need to grow before one’s personal comfort of staying silent. Even more, it takes grace to give feedback in a manner that others are willing to listen and hear the intended message so that growth can occur.

Additional Resources for Giving Feedback:

Ground Zero

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“The point closest to where an explosion occurs” is the definition of ground zero.  It might not be what one would consider a way to define a school, but in today’s world where there is a newly coined phrase of “Complex Prolonged Traumatic Stress Disorder” (CPTSD) for our students, it appears to be an accurate analogy.

Recently, I heard an amazing keynote by Dr. Jeff Duncan-Adrade.  He shared with us about this concept that children today are often growing up in situations where they are experiencing prolonged traumatic stress.  While a reasonable amount of stress is normal and healthy, prolonged stress becomes toxic and damaging to the body of an adult, much less the developing body and brain of a child.  He referred to studies that show that children with prolonged stress, especially those from poverty, often experience symptoms similar to that of soldiers returning from combat.

While the thought of this comparison was completely overwhelming, I also experienced a bit of relief in terminology to explain phenomena that I deal with almost daily.  It is as if I am battling unknown demons in some of my students. I use every weapon I have in hopes of freeing them from invisible oppressors that consume their thoughts and actions to liberate their minds to create room to learn. Having family in the military and serving as first responders, this is not a statement that I take lightly.  However when you look, many children these days, coupled with their underdeveloped coping mechanisms, it is easier to understand why schools are facing more and more students with trauma-induced symptoms.

In a recent battle, I received a call from a substitute in the building.  She was concerned that a student was being defiant and disrupting the learning of others.  I was surprised to find it was a student who had struggled in the previous year, but settled down into learning and had put forth some fantastic effort this year.

As I entered the classroom, all of the students were seated and working except the one.  He was walking around the classroom bouncing a ball.  When I entered, I motioned for him to come to me and held out my hand for the ball.  Luckily, he handed the ball to me and came voluntarily.  During the next 45 minutes,  he sat and rocked in my office.  I could see in his eyes that he had withdrawn deep into the depths of his mind.

I knew that to get him back, I had to get him using words.  After some time to rock in silence, I began asking some questions. Initially, our conversation involved me asking questions and him staring past me.  Gradually this evolved into nodding, then repeating sentences when given two choices.  Eventually, we collaborated to find a solution that allowed him to do some of his learning in another classroom.  I was so proud of him being willing to accept doing some work in another class even though he knew the work would be more difficult and require more effort on his part.

I was so relieved that we had found a solution and that learning for everyone could resume.  Unfortunately, later that day, this same student was escorted to the office. Someone had contacted a different administrator and reported that “he wasn’t where he was supposed to be.”  It had been such a busy day, I hadn’t had a chance to let my assistant principal know the situation, and now the student had been given a consequence for doing what he and I had arranged.

This incident is where the physical conflict began. Kicking.  Hitting. Trying to leave the building.  All communication lost once again.  The student felt betrayed, and he was no longer going to listen to anyone much less speak with them. As I sat with this student, I couldn’t help but reflect on the words of the keynote from the week before.  Kids in crisis expect you to give up on them.  They expect you to disappoint them.  That is what they have known.  I did the only thing I could think of at this point.  I apologized.

Now this student looked at me like I was crazy as I explained to him why I was sorry and how miscommunication had resulted in him getting in trouble even though he was doing what he had agreed to do. I asked him to forgive me, and he looked at me with an even more perplexed expression.  I explained that when someone does wrong and hurts someone, even if they didn’t mean to, the person who did the wrong must apologize.  But the next step is the person who was hurt to forgive them.  I asked again if he would forgive me and he responded “yes.”  My student was back.

I think the reason this story is critical is because we have to acknowledge what schools face. Stories like these are more and more common with children today. I wouldn’t take back the time spent on this incident because I believe valuable lessons were learned by all.  Students who witnessed our interactions saw adults show compassion to a child in crisis.  The child in crisis felt the unconditional support of adults who were not going to give up on him no matter what.  He saw me, the principal, take accountability for my own actions and seek to make the situation right. De-escalation was achieved without casualties.

As a result of this incident, I thought even more about why schools and communities may be facing increased numbers of these incidents. Children in crisis are occurring in all types of schools, public and private, highly affluent and high poverty, inner-city, suburban and rural. Personally, I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that even though our country has been considered a “great melting pot” of diversity, it has historically been composed of homogenous communities.  As groups came to this country, they settled with their families and people who shared the same backgrounds, values, and cultures. Children raised with the support of extended families were well grounded in community expectations.  Children attended schools where the other kids were likely raised very similarly to themselves and taught by teachers with by teachers with ideas much like their parents.

As we entered the digital age, everything changed. Families spread out across the country connected only by technology. Neighborhoods became more like “tossed salad” with people from different cultures maintaining their original values rather than “melting” together. Families raising children in isolation put high demands on parents.  Children today live in a Rated R world, exposed to adult language, violence, and adult situations, not just on television and video games, but in the face-to-face interactions in the world. In addition to stresses of today’s world with poverty, work demands, increases of traumatic illnesses, our children no longer have a “world of innocence” and are faced with incredible stress at a very young age that is carried into schools with them every day.

While schools may be “ground zero” for some of the social explosions going on in the world around us, I would propose that schools have the potential to become a community’s “Epicenter of Hope.”  Public education is an excellent source to bring a diverse community together. Rather than watering down individual cultures, they can promote value for each others’ differences.  We can teach our children how to appreciate each other and treat each one another with respect. Schools can provide support to families who need someone to stand in partnership with them in raising their children in the absence of extended family.  We can connect families in crisis with resources and model support rather than judgment.

At the same time, we also have to acknowledge that creating a culture of support takes time.  Rather than launching additional attacks against teachers, our legislators, media, and the general public need to provide backup to educators on the front line. Providing quality learning in the midst of some of the mental battles our students face can tick valuable instructional minutes off the clock while we ensure we meet students’ most basic needs to prepare them for learning. Satisfying these needs is something that we must do if we want to prevent further deterioration of our society.  Unfortunately, success in filling these voids is not measured on state or federal accountability systems, even though it must occur before the things that are measured can take place. Teachers need more tools and training to fight the enemies our children face. The battle for our children’s future is real and it will take everyone together to achieve victory.

Below are some good resources for Educators:

How to Help a Traumatized Child in the Classroom

Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators

Keep Calm and Conflict On

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I often hear people, especially educators, say “I avoid conflict”. I think this is probably because so many educators typically have a personality of working very hard to do things “right” and please other.  conflictYuckSo many see conflict as negative. However, I think avoiding conflict and seeing it as something bad is antithesis of learning. Merriam Webster defines conflict as a struggle between opposing ideas.   As educators, we should embrace conflict more than most. After all, what is learning besides a mental opposing conflict that requires us to resolve new knowledge with what we have always known? Education is no longer a world of homogenous students complying with our attempts to pour in information. Because it is now about engagement of students from all different backgrounds and cultures who must buy into the learning we are trying to instill, we must all be skilled in helping our students resolve current views with new concepts for knowledge to become a part of their schema.

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I will never forget in my interview for my current principal job. After arriving, I had forty-five minutes to prepare a presentation to a room of more than twenty parents, school staff members and district level administrators on my vision for the school.  When the time passed, I began by presenting my vision and then answering at least twenty questions that meaningfully connected with each of these different groups. When finished, the superintendent who sat in silence examining my responses and the reactions of the group asked his question. I took a breath as he spoke, “What is cognitive dissonance and how do you know if your staff is doing it? How do you help them embrace it?” –Wait, what? I felt like I needed a dictionary or some visual supports. Where were the accommodations? Was this really the question? To buy me some time to think about this and not having a long pregnant pause and hopefully hide any look of utter confusion on my face, I asked him to repeat the question. As he asked the question again, I was able to put together “brain” and “unrest”. LEARNING! Cognitive dissonance is nothing more than conflict within your brain as you learn something new.conflict brings order Putting “conflict” in a context of being something positive and helping us grow and evolve definitely helps us see this struggle in a more positive light and this is what drove my response. To effectively teach learners, we must be learners ourselves. I guess I hit the mark, I got the job!

I love what Jack Canfield has to say about accepting one hundred percent accountability for your life. Often, if we are unhappy about something, it is because we aren’t taking action to change it. I would add that it is probably because we are avoiding the discomfort of conflict. We would rather keep our circumstances as they are than “confront” the issue at hand. We use excuses to say that we don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable, but actually, it is really more about that we don’t know how to discuss the situation with the other person in a way without feeling that someone must win and someone must lose. It’s really that we don’t want to experience the discomfort. Think about it, when people reach the end of their rope, they have no trouble raining the conflict down on someone else. Stephen Covey’s fourth habit for highly effective people discusses seeking the Win/Win:

“Think Win-Win isn’t about being nice, nor is it a quick-fix technique. It is a character-based code for human interaction and collaboration.

Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing–that is, if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life becomes a zero-sum game. There is only so much pie to go around, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me; it’s not fair, and I’m going to make sure you don’t get anymore. We all play the game, but how much fun is it really?

Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. We both get to eat the pie, and it tastes pretty darn good!

A person or organization that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:

Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone
Many people think in terms of either/or: either you’re nice or you’re tough. Win-win requires that you be both. It is a balancing act between courage and consideration. To go for win-win, you not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you also have to be brave. To do that–to achieve that balance between courage and consideration–is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.”

A former superintendent said that in education we don’t create products, we develop people. I believe a master of conflict knows and cares about the people they are responsible for developing enough that they want to help people to be better. I think about my sons. There is no way I wouldn’t tell my one of my children something that they needed to hear, even if it was uncomfortable. If my youngest, who just hasn’t yet become socially aware, forgets to wear deodorant, I’m going to tell him. I don’t do this to hurt his feelings, and I’m certainly going to make him aware in a kind way, but I’d rather he hear it from me than a peer.

As leaders, we have to have the same approach. We have to care about developing our teachers more than we care about our own comfort. We must be kind, sensitive, and make sure that our purpose in bringing about the tough conversation is driven by what is best for students and the individual. conflict inevitableLetting things go unsaid isn’t good for anyone and does more to harm the relationship in the long run if resentment builds up. I think I can say that I’ve probably had more these types of conversations with more of my staff than not. I also think that in most instances, the relationships have become stronger. Being willing to go to a deep level shows real commitment to the other person. I think the key is that if people know that your intentions are just and that your end result is to help them win, not lose, they may initially feel uncomfortable or defensive, but then ultimately appreciate that you cared enough to tell them what they needed to hear, not just what they wanted to hear.

 

I appreciate those people who are willing to tell me what I need to hear as well. As a leader, it does me no good if everyone blindly agrees to every idea or initiative. I like for people to speak up and speak their mind. It’s funny sometimes to watch the looks of horror around the room by the compliant. While the one speaking up may not always do it with grace or initially seeking the win/win, I alway try to recognize the individual for helping the group consider the unintended consequences of our action. So often, taking time to resolve the opposing views makes the situation go so much better in the long run. You can plan for the negatives rather than be blindsided by them in the middle of implementation.

When teams have productive conflict, it helps them to grow.  Conflict helps the team:

  • Expose new ideas
  • Identify situations that are no longer best practice
  • Allow everyone’s ideas to be heard
  • Encourage innovation
  • Eliminate a build up of resentment
  • Embrace diversity

However, sometimes we need to teach our teams how to have productive conflict peaceconflict.  We cannot just assume that everyone can effectively manage conflict in productive ways.  Having conversations and discussions about conflict help everyone reveal their attitudes and fears about conflict while also discussing how it can be a positive force in team building.

Conflict is not bad. It shouldn’t be avoided. Conflict is the root of all learning and helps us to make our situations better if we rally our grit, desire to grow, and always seek the win/win by extending grace to others. Embrace the struggle to learn and improve so that you can “Keep Calm and Conflict On”!