Tag Archives: grace

Picture Day

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Today, my teachers were given a compliment that made me both incredibly happy and sad at the same time.  You see, it was Picture Day.  Picture Day is one of those things that we all have to do, but it can truly wreak havoc in an elementary school picture-Day-300x271student’s need for routine and structure.  They get accustomed to knowing what to expect for when, where, and how to be.  When you add Picture Day, it can totally disrupt routines, especially if the picture schedule runs behind.  Picture Day takes a lot of grit on everyone’s part.

Our day was also affected today by about 40 district leaders, campus administrators, and teacher leaders who were visiting our campus.  Typically, my students and teachers are very used to having visitors in and out observing, but this was the first one for the year.  I guess a “normal” picture day just didn’t give enough challenge so we raised the demand by adding 40 strangers to the mix on top of an altered schedule, just to really see how the students can handle change.

I do have to say that today we were lucky. No cameras broke. Everyone was on time.  The schedule flowed smoothly.  Students were amazing demonstrating their learning and even sharing with the adults walking through their classrooms.  I am so fortunate to have a fantastic group of students and an incredible staff.

We got amazing feedback from the visitors.  But as the photographers got ready to leave, they made this comment, “Your teachers are so respectful in how they speak to your respect-meansstudents.”  Wow.  Well, you need to know that many years ago before I came to Degan, there were some comments  to the contrary about this staff.  To hear from an outsider, even outside the profession of education, how impressed they were with the staff-student interaction, was a proud moment.  But as I thought more, I thought how incredibly sad it was that this photographer, who probably spends a great deal of time in schools witnessing teachers interact with their students, felt we were the exception.  You would think this would just be the norm.

As I reflected more, I did think about the stress that shifts in schedules and the unexpected happenings of a school Picture Day can cause.  However, as adults, we have to absorb that stress to keep it off our students.  Some of our students, especially those who live in poverty, live in chaos on a daily basis.  They sense the tensions of adults and react to it.  Even more important is the relationships. If we are snapping at our students to deal with our stress about a situation, we are damaging our relationship with that child and limit our ability to have a positive impact on them. If we are going to treat others with respect, and model this to children, we have to show we value them all the time, not just when we have had enough sleep, the schedule and routines are in place, and everything is going our way.

perfect-effortBut it goes even further. How do we as campus leaders, create a culture where our staff feels safe and confident, even amidst a great deal of change?  That is the true key.  We have to make sure everyone knows what to expect.

We have to create a culture driven by growth mindset and not perfection.
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When staff feels confident that effort, not perfection, is the desired outcome, everyone can exhale.  They will function with confidence and not be paralyzed by fear of the unknown.  They can become truly comfortable with ambiguity and learn to thrive, knowing that they are valued, no matter what.  When the teachers feel safe, they can make students feel safe as well, and then even Picture Day plus 40 strangers walking through classrooms aren’t an issue!

Keep Calm and Conflict On

Education, , , , ,

I often hear people, especially educators, say “I avoid conflict”. I think this is probably because so many educators typically have a personality of working very hard to do things “right” and please other.  conflictYuckSo many see conflict as negative. However, I think avoiding conflict and seeing it as something bad is antithesis of learning. Merriam Webster defines conflict as a struggle between opposing ideas.   As educators, we should embrace conflict more than most. After all, what is learning besides a mental opposing conflict that requires us to resolve new knowledge with what we have always known? Education is no longer a world of homogenous students complying with our attempts to pour in information. Because it is now about engagement of students from all different backgrounds and cultures who must buy into the learning we are trying to instill, we must all be skilled in helping our students resolve current views with new concepts for knowledge to become a part of their schema.

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I will never forget in my interview for my current principal job. After arriving, I had forty-five minutes to prepare a presentation to a room of more than twenty parents, school staff members and district level administrators on my vision for the school.  When the time passed, I began by presenting my vision and then answering at least twenty questions that meaningfully connected with each of these different groups. When finished, the superintendent who sat in silence examining my responses and the reactions of the group asked his question. I took a breath as he spoke, “What is cognitive dissonance and how do you know if your staff is doing it? How do you help them embrace it?” –Wait, what? I felt like I needed a dictionary or some visual supports. Where were the accommodations? Was this really the question? To buy me some time to think about this and not having a long pregnant pause and hopefully hide any look of utter confusion on my face, I asked him to repeat the question. As he asked the question again, I was able to put together “brain” and “unrest”. LEARNING! Cognitive dissonance is nothing more than conflict within your brain as you learn something new.conflict brings order Putting “conflict” in a context of being something positive and helping us grow and evolve definitely helps us see this struggle in a more positive light and this is what drove my response. To effectively teach learners, we must be learners ourselves. I guess I hit the mark, I got the job!

I love what Jack Canfield has to say about accepting one hundred percent accountability for your life. Often, if we are unhappy about something, it is because we aren’t taking action to change it. I would add that it is probably because we are avoiding the discomfort of conflict. We would rather keep our circumstances as they are than “confront” the issue at hand. We use excuses to say that we don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable, but actually, it is really more about that we don’t know how to discuss the situation with the other person in a way without feeling that someone must win and someone must lose. It’s really that we don’t want to experience the discomfort. Think about it, when people reach the end of their rope, they have no trouble raining the conflict down on someone else. Stephen Covey’s fourth habit for highly effective people discusses seeking the Win/Win:

“Think Win-Win isn’t about being nice, nor is it a quick-fix technique. It is a character-based code for human interaction and collaboration.

Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing–that is, if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life becomes a zero-sum game. There is only so much pie to go around, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me; it’s not fair, and I’m going to make sure you don’t get anymore. We all play the game, but how much fun is it really?

Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. We both get to eat the pie, and it tastes pretty darn good!

A person or organization that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:

Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone
Many people think in terms of either/or: either you’re nice or you’re tough. Win-win requires that you be both. It is a balancing act between courage and consideration. To go for win-win, you not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you also have to be brave. To do that–to achieve that balance between courage and consideration–is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.”

A former superintendent said that in education we don’t create products, we develop people. I believe a master of conflict knows and cares about the people they are responsible for developing enough that they want to help people to be better. I think about my sons. There is no way I wouldn’t tell my one of my children something that they needed to hear, even if it was uncomfortable. If my youngest, who just hasn’t yet become socially aware, forgets to wear deodorant, I’m going to tell him. I don’t do this to hurt his feelings, and I’m certainly going to make him aware in a kind way, but I’d rather he hear it from me than a peer.

As leaders, we have to have the same approach. We have to care about developing our teachers more than we care about our own comfort. We must be kind, sensitive, and make sure that our purpose in bringing about the tough conversation is driven by what is best for students and the individual. conflict inevitableLetting things go unsaid isn’t good for anyone and does more to harm the relationship in the long run if resentment builds up. I think I can say that I’ve probably had more these types of conversations with more of my staff than not. I also think that in most instances, the relationships have become stronger. Being willing to go to a deep level shows real commitment to the other person. I think the key is that if people know that your intentions are just and that your end result is to help them win, not lose, they may initially feel uncomfortable or defensive, but then ultimately appreciate that you cared enough to tell them what they needed to hear, not just what they wanted to hear.

 

I appreciate those people who are willing to tell me what I need to hear as well. As a leader, it does me no good if everyone blindly agrees to every idea or initiative. I like for people to speak up and speak their mind. It’s funny sometimes to watch the looks of horror around the room by the compliant. While the one speaking up may not always do it with grace or initially seeking the win/win, I alway try to recognize the individual for helping the group consider the unintended consequences of our action. So often, taking time to resolve the opposing views makes the situation go so much better in the long run. You can plan for the negatives rather than be blindsided by them in the middle of implementation.

When teams have productive conflict, it helps them to grow.  Conflict helps the team:

  • Expose new ideas
  • Identify situations that are no longer best practice
  • Allow everyone’s ideas to be heard
  • Encourage innovation
  • Eliminate a build up of resentment
  • Embrace diversity

However, sometimes we need to teach our teams how to have productive conflict peaceconflict.  We cannot just assume that everyone can effectively manage conflict in productive ways.  Having conversations and discussions about conflict help everyone reveal their attitudes and fears about conflict while also discussing how it can be a positive force in team building.

Conflict is not bad. It shouldn’t be avoided. Conflict is the root of all learning and helps us to make our situations better if we rally our grit, desire to grow, and always seek the win/win by extending grace to others. Embrace the struggle to learn and improve so that you can “Keep Calm and Conflict On”!

“It’s All About Me.”

Education, , , ,

I am embarrassed to admit how many times I have encountered a struggle and said, “They disrespected me”, or “He didn’t do what I needed them to do” or even “She hurt my feelings”.  It’s not that these things are not true, but I have come to realize that too often, when someone else is doing something that makes us feel unhappy or disrespected, it is more likely about the other person than it ever is about ourselves.  It is much more likely that the person that is exhibiting the behavior that we  consider “unacceptable” is driven by their own needs that haven’t been met than that they are about wanting to “make” us feel a certain way, especially if we are dealing with children.  Even more important is the idea that the way that we choose to respond can  make the situation better or much, much worse.

This past week I have seen examples of handling just such events in completely opposite approaches.  In the first situation, I was standing in my front hallway, greeting students as they arrived at school.  I looked up to see one of our bus drivers marching in a group of boys from her bus.  I could hear her in the office demanding to see either the assistant principal or myself because these boys “needed to be dealt with”.  A few minutes later, one of my office staff came to me to let me know her request.  I explained to my staff member that we would be unable to meet with the bus driver at this time.  While both my assistant principal and I were busy greeting children and helping the school day get started, I could tell by the look in the bus driver’s eyes and the words she was already using, she was going to take the opportunity to “put these children in their place” in front of me. I didn’t feel it was right for these students to feel belittled in my presence, so  I suggested to my office staff that the bus driver complete the necessary bus referral form and assure her that we would address her concern.  Apparently, she didn’t even know the boys’ names and asked the staff for them.  The bus driver also insisted they wait in the office.  Of course when I saw them sit down, I went over and sent the boys to breakfast.  I knew these boys probably hadn’t eaten, however before they could finish and get to class, the tardy bell rang.

As they rounded the corner coming back to the office for tardy passes, I could see that the day was only getting worse for them and it wasn’t even 8:00 a.m. yet. One of the boys who I have spent two years building a relationship with, wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.  I am sure it was because of the fact that he was angry, he knew he might be disrespectful so he was trying to avoid that. One of the other boys smarted off to my counselor, which was very out of character given that she has provided him with snacks when he didn’t have them.  I stopped the boys, told them I knew it had been a rough morning, but things were going to get better. They were here at school, they had eaten, and we needed to move forward. While we work hard not to have tardies, this one would be okay. Now was time to make the choices that would make it a better day in class.

I asked my assistant to intentionally choose a good time to visit with them that would not further escalate the bad feelings (i.e. not during their PE time).  Later, I found out that three of the boys, who are brothers,  including the one who didn’t want to make eye contact with me and the one who had responded disrespectfully to  the counselor, had  a hard morning before they had ever left the house.  We knew their mother had been ill the night before at our Parent Orientation.  Even so, this mother of four who comes from generational poverty, made her way to school to find out about what she needed to know about this upcoming year so she could support her boys in their education. During the early morning, she needed to go to the emergency room for a severe asthma attack.  These three older elementary boys got themselves up, got themselves ready, and got themselves to the bus stop to get to school in spite of their worry for their mom.  On the bus, the bus driver (who is new this year) had deemed it “no talking” on her bus.  Several of the boys decided to play “silent tag” to entertain themselves. They were not up out of their seats or talking, but the game was not a good choice for the bus.

I shared this story with my staff.  We have done a great deal of learning on poverty this past year to understand the quickly changing demographics of our school.  We have gone from 8% economically disadvantaged to 52% of our student receiving free and reduced lunch in ten years’ time.  Because we have seen some real needs for this demographic, and most of the staff comes from middle class, we have tried to learn from experts like Ruby Payne and Elia Moreno for insight.  One of Ruby Payne’s action strategies is to build relationships as they are a critical driving force. People don’t care what you think or if they are following your rules if they don’t have a relationship with you. Elia Moreno talks about how we have to make people feel valued.  I shared this story to help my staff not only see that this bus driver may have a difficult time repairing the damage done this morning, but that we have to remember that many of our students experience terrible difficulties before they ever step foot inside our building.  We have to remember it is about them, not us, and that a few kind words, even despite some negative behavior is the key to turning things around.

Four days later, I heard another story as it shared with me be two completely different staff members who overheard the interaction between a teacher and one of her students.  A commotion was heard inside a classroom and then the child who was still upset stepped into the hallway.  A few minutes later his teacher followed.  She asked him to explain what happened and  why he threw an object in the classroom.  He proceeded to tell her that the student he threw the object at had said something disrespectful to him and he was upset.  And then….the most amazing thing happened.  The teacher called the child by his name and said “I need to apologize to you.” (Did you take a breath?  I did.)

The teacher went on to say that she was sorry that she didn’t give the child the opportunity to explain his side of the story before she asked him to receive the consequence of moving his clip. She said that she had only seen his reaction of throwing something and that she obviously needed to know there was more to this story. She said she had made a mistake.  She told him that when he went back into the classroom, he could return his clip to its previous place.  Then she said, “But now we need to talk about your actions.”  She explained to the student that when something happens to upset him, he needs to report it to the adult and not respond in anger.  She continued by recommending he  use his words, instead  his hands to solve his problems.  Then she hugged him, told him how much she cared for him and escorted him back to class.

Here are two  totally different approaches with two totally different results. One adult made it all about herself and had a goal of “putting those kids in their place.” Those boys left that situation with no respect for the bus driver and I’m hoping that we don’t have future incidents just to spite her for the way she treated them. The second adult made it all about the child and extended grace to him by modeling that one  can bare the burden of a mistake and it  doesn’t make you less of a person, it makes you more.  She used the child’s name.  She acknowledged her own mistake first, before talking about the child’s mistake. She used the calm adult voice of negotiation, and not a negative parent voice of criticism. She strengthened the relationship. That child will probably work harder to live up to this teacher’s expectations in the future.

Whether personally or professionally, whether working with children or adults, we can choose to give dignity or take it away. However, when we choose to give dignity and grace to those in need, we sow a path that allows the one in pain to grow beyond their current situation. For ourselves, we recognize that we don’t have to win by causing someone else to lose.