Tag Archives: relationships

The Sound of Silence

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While sometimes silence of welcomed, I have to say that in a learning organization, silence can be deadly. Silence in a learning organization means a lack of feedback. It means that people are likely too content, apathetic, scared or angry to communicate with specific feedback, and this is dangerous. It reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkel song:

Sound of silence

In a learning organization, feedback is critical to growth. Sometimes this feedback is positive: “You’re on the right track.” “The effort is paying off.” “The strategy you are using is getting results.” Sometimes feedback offers a correction: “Instead of this, I need you to…” “It might work better if…” “Next time I’d rather you …” Other times feedback sounds like this: “I hate it when you…” “You messed up.” “There’s going to be consequences.” However, even when feedback is negative, it gives the one receiving the feedback a chance to learn and grow if they choose.

When there is no feedback, growth halts.
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People can only guess if their actions are working and more time and energy is spent trying to decipher the silence than working on creating results. “Is what I’m going working?” “Is what I’m doing wrong?” “Why won’t he/she speak to me?” It’s a guess and check method spent mostly on guessing.

Several years ago I worked in an organization where all feedback stopped. The “boss” literally quit speaking to me. In public, I was invisible. Even in a bathroom where there were only two of us, I did not exist. Awkward! I guess I eventually figured out the message. I was not needed, and it was better to go elsewhere. The crazy thing is, if the “boss” had just given me specific feedback, we both probably would have gotten what we wanted much more quickly without a lot of hassle.

It is imperative supervisors give feedback. Too often I see leaders who are afraid to have difficult conversations. They suffer in silence until their aggravation results in an attitude of “done”. At that point, growth and recovery are no longer an option. What if the leader would have just said what needed to be said in a professional way? What if the leader coached their employee? What potential greatness was lost because the leader remained silent? What relationship was lost because things were allowed to become contentious?

Don’t get me wrong. The responsibility of feedback does not lie solely on the shoulders of feedbackleaders. All members of an organization have a responsibility of providing feedback. I tell my staff all the time that I don’t want them just to say yes and agree to everything I say. I need their thoughts, their consideration of unintended consequences and problem-solving, their ability to piggyback and make the idea even better. I need to know if something I have done has made their job harder. Their feedback cannot always result in “their way” because as a leader I always have to consider the big picture for the organization. However, without their feedback, how do I grow? How do I become better for them?

With all of this said, the most growth is going to occur when feedback is professional. While angry feedback is still probably better than silence, it is still destructive. It takes a great deal of energy for those involved in angry feedback to get beyond the emotion and focus on growth again. It is possible, but again, often angry feedback is just the explosion that occurs after a prolonged silence where the feedback was bottled up too long.

If you are a part of a learning organization, here are some tips to defeat the deadly sound of silence:

  • Give feedback, in good times and bad. People you work with need to know. It’s way more efficient than guessing. Each individual’s background experiences may muddy the water of interpreting “silence”
  • Feedback should be a two-way street. Both the leader and members of the organization should give feedback so that everyone has a chance to grow.
  • While feedback is better than silence, sometimes you may need a moment to compose yourself. Don’t give feedback in the heat of the moment, but don’t wait too long either. Feedback should be timely and professional.feedback matters
  • Be specific. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The more specific you are with your feedback, the more likely you are to get what you need.
  • Don’t ever allow yourself to become so comfortable that feedback stops. At that point, so does growth. Today’s good is tomorrow’s mediocre.
  • If you are the leader, create venues for your organization to provide you with feedback. Surveys, exit tickets after professional learning or staff meetings, and Google docs are all great ways to collect feedback. While I’m not a huge fan of anonymous feedback (it can be as bad as silence in the fact it doesn’t provide an avenue for clarification), I recognize that sometimes you have to start their of those you lead don’t feel safe giving feedback. It is a starting place, but the leader should work diligently to build relationships and get people comfortable with feedback that is specific and individualized.
It takes the grit to put others’ need to grow before one’s personal comfort of staying silent.
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Yes, sometimes it is easier to be silent. Silence can punish those with whom we are upset. It can send the message “I don’t even care enough about you to acknowledge your existence”. However, it rarely results in growth for anyone. Feedback with a growth the-sound-of-silence-simon-garfunkel-8-638mindset takes both grit and grace. It takes the grit to put others’ need to grow before one’s personal comfort of staying silent. Even more, it takes grace to give feedback in a manner that others are willing to listen and hear the intended message so that growth can occur.

Additional Resources for Giving Feedback:

If You Take All the Mouse’s Cookies

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This is an article I wrote published this month in National Association of Elementary School Principals’ magazine “The Principal”.

https://www.naesp.org/principal-novemberdecember-2015-breaking-cycle/inspire-growth

“It’s All About Me.”

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I am embarrassed to admit how many times I have encountered a struggle and said, “They disrespected me”, or “He didn’t do what I needed them to do” or even “She hurt my feelings”.  It’s not that these things are not true, but I have come to realize that too often, when someone else is doing something that makes us feel unhappy or disrespected, it is more likely about the other person than it ever is about ourselves.  It is much more likely that the person that is exhibiting the behavior that we  consider “unacceptable” is driven by their own needs that haven’t been met than that they are about wanting to “make” us feel a certain way, especially if we are dealing with children.  Even more important is the idea that the way that we choose to respond can  make the situation better or much, much worse.

This past week I have seen examples of handling just such events in completely opposite approaches.  In the first situation, I was standing in my front hallway, greeting students as they arrived at school.  I looked up to see one of our bus drivers marching in a group of boys from her bus.  I could hear her in the office demanding to see either the assistant principal or myself because these boys “needed to be dealt with”.  A few minutes later, one of my office staff came to me to let me know her request.  I explained to my staff member that we would be unable to meet with the bus driver at this time.  While both my assistant principal and I were busy greeting children and helping the school day get started, I could tell by the look in the bus driver’s eyes and the words she was already using, she was going to take the opportunity to “put these children in their place” in front of me. I didn’t feel it was right for these students to feel belittled in my presence, so  I suggested to my office staff that the bus driver complete the necessary bus referral form and assure her that we would address her concern.  Apparently, she didn’t even know the boys’ names and asked the staff for them.  The bus driver also insisted they wait in the office.  Of course when I saw them sit down, I went over and sent the boys to breakfast.  I knew these boys probably hadn’t eaten, however before they could finish and get to class, the tardy bell rang.

As they rounded the corner coming back to the office for tardy passes, I could see that the day was only getting worse for them and it wasn’t even 8:00 a.m. yet. One of the boys who I have spent two years building a relationship with, wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.  I am sure it was because of the fact that he was angry, he knew he might be disrespectful so he was trying to avoid that. One of the other boys smarted off to my counselor, which was very out of character given that she has provided him with snacks when he didn’t have them.  I stopped the boys, told them I knew it had been a rough morning, but things were going to get better. They were here at school, they had eaten, and we needed to move forward. While we work hard not to have tardies, this one would be okay. Now was time to make the choices that would make it a better day in class.

I asked my assistant to intentionally choose a good time to visit with them that would not further escalate the bad feelings (i.e. not during their PE time).  Later, I found out that three of the boys, who are brothers,  including the one who didn’t want to make eye contact with me and the one who had responded disrespectfully to  the counselor, had  a hard morning before they had ever left the house.  We knew their mother had been ill the night before at our Parent Orientation.  Even so, this mother of four who comes from generational poverty, made her way to school to find out about what she needed to know about this upcoming year so she could support her boys in their education. During the early morning, she needed to go to the emergency room for a severe asthma attack.  These three older elementary boys got themselves up, got themselves ready, and got themselves to the bus stop to get to school in spite of their worry for their mom.  On the bus, the bus driver (who is new this year) had deemed it “no talking” on her bus.  Several of the boys decided to play “silent tag” to entertain themselves. They were not up out of their seats or talking, but the game was not a good choice for the bus.

I shared this story with my staff.  We have done a great deal of learning on poverty this past year to understand the quickly changing demographics of our school.  We have gone from 8% economically disadvantaged to 52% of our student receiving free and reduced lunch in ten years’ time.  Because we have seen some real needs for this demographic, and most of the staff comes from middle class, we have tried to learn from experts like Ruby Payne and Elia Moreno for insight.  One of Ruby Payne’s action strategies is to build relationships as they are a critical driving force. People don’t care what you think or if they are following your rules if they don’t have a relationship with you. Elia Moreno talks about how we have to make people feel valued.  I shared this story to help my staff not only see that this bus driver may have a difficult time repairing the damage done this morning, but that we have to remember that many of our students experience terrible difficulties before they ever step foot inside our building.  We have to remember it is about them, not us, and that a few kind words, even despite some negative behavior is the key to turning things around.

Four days later, I heard another story as it shared with me be two completely different staff members who overheard the interaction between a teacher and one of her students.  A commotion was heard inside a classroom and then the child who was still upset stepped into the hallway.  A few minutes later his teacher followed.  She asked him to explain what happened and  why he threw an object in the classroom.  He proceeded to tell her that the student he threw the object at had said something disrespectful to him and he was upset.  And then….the most amazing thing happened.  The teacher called the child by his name and said “I need to apologize to you.” (Did you take a breath?  I did.)

The teacher went on to say that she was sorry that she didn’t give the child the opportunity to explain his side of the story before she asked him to receive the consequence of moving his clip. She said that she had only seen his reaction of throwing something and that she obviously needed to know there was more to this story. She said she had made a mistake.  She told him that when he went back into the classroom, he could return his clip to its previous place.  Then she said, “But now we need to talk about your actions.”  She explained to the student that when something happens to upset him, he needs to report it to the adult and not respond in anger.  She continued by recommending he  use his words, instead  his hands to solve his problems.  Then she hugged him, told him how much she cared for him and escorted him back to class.

Here are two  totally different approaches with two totally different results. One adult made it all about herself and had a goal of “putting those kids in their place.” Those boys left that situation with no respect for the bus driver and I’m hoping that we don’t have future incidents just to spite her for the way she treated them. The second adult made it all about the child and extended grace to him by modeling that one  can bare the burden of a mistake and it  doesn’t make you less of a person, it makes you more.  She used the child’s name.  She acknowledged her own mistake first, before talking about the child’s mistake. She used the calm adult voice of negotiation, and not a negative parent voice of criticism. She strengthened the relationship. That child will probably work harder to live up to this teacher’s expectations in the future.

Whether personally or professionally, whether working with children or adults, we can choose to give dignity or take it away. However, when we choose to give dignity and grace to those in need, we sow a path that allows the one in pain to grow beyond their current situation. For ourselves, we recognize that we don’t have to win by causing someone else to lose.